I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
