I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
