oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
farters have to be the big spoon...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
