well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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