I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
