You're so nebulous sometimes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
