How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You are a genius and a whore.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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