i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
