btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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