do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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