someone threw a dead crab at me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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