I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
