quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
