Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
