If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
