My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just blew my weed a kiss
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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