Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
