So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
