It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
