I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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