I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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