What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
