The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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