We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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