I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
