the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
