Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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