if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
