Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
