I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
