My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
