there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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