Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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