I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
