he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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