I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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