life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
