I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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