Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
high people should be assigned attendants
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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