my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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