Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
