I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
50% drunk capacity currently
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
