dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
