he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
