A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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