He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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