the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
