Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
