I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
