I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
