"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
