Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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