i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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