you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
