I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Everything about him screamed your future.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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