She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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